The Final Dive off the Ship

Can we get any additional clarity about what has made it so easy to fall off balance on the Relation-Ships we innocently create with the belief that they will keep our precious love alive and well?  If we re-examine all of the corners of the Ship’s agenda we have explored in this series on relationship, they consistently point to a reliance on “mind intelligence” and its habitual external focus.

We have explored the possibility that Relation-Ships operate out of a refusal to take responsibility for making ourselves feel safe, cared for and loved – out of a refusal to pay attention to ourselves.  This relational response seems to originate from false identities we have created that mistake themselves to be separate and then strategize to provide a sense of wholeness. These have no clue about unconditional love. Instead, they can only set-up institutionalized imitations’ for authentic relating.  We have also entertained the possibility that the ability to meet our “needs” has been deliberately kept hidden by the social mind to harness our attention and use this energy to fuel itself. This is the limited paradigm of duality and mind dominance that imprisons our love.

 In a different paradigm of capability, essential wholeness, and responsibility for ourselves, would what others freely give us be recognized as an added blessing to our lives instead of our lifeline?

So, now, after all our explorations into Relation-Ships, and re-directing the Ship’s enormous focus back to ourselves, we might be tempted to consider a “relationship with ourselves”. However, we could also consider exiting the entire relationship paradigm and ask the real pivotal question: How do we live our life when we attach to the concept of a “relationship with ourselves””?

What happens when we split ourselves into a subject/ object identity? In the presence of this concept, has the “ mind intelligence” not created yet another duality, another Ship with which to torment us? And have we not already observed mind identity to be the root of conflict that holds us in a linear dance, only this time with ourselves?

What happens if we simply show up as ourselves, as who we really are, without any of the identities that have kept us asleep, out of presence, and unaware of our true face?

If subject/object stops, do not all stories stop? If all stories stop, who would feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, ashamed, proud; who would experience judgment of another or ourselves?  Who would be concerned about building more self-esteem? Who would need a partner to meet any expectations or needs? Who would need protecting, defending or promoting?

Without an “I”, is there really any self-reflective consciousness? Let’s ponder the possibility of being alive without identity, awake to "be love now", and free to give our precious gifts.

            

The Ship's Agenda

Many of us have felt deep despair and confusion as we tried to navigate on board this vessel we have called the SS Relation-Ship.  As we began to explore the impact of sliding around on the deck of this social mind institution, we may have noticed that we are not alone in our struggle to find some relief from the affects of entrusting our precious love to the confines of this Ship.  In our attempt to bring conscious awareness to this social mind form and its content, to basically unearth much of its story, we have come across some fascinating observations.

 So, let’s go back to a quantum physics point about attention, discussed in earlier posts. Attention is both energy and sub-atomic particle. If we hold attention inside our own energy circuit, it remains a fluid energy. In other words, keeping the focus on us without projecting it onto another object such as our partner or the Ship, allows attention to remains in its energy form. If attention leaves our circuit and gets projected and deposited onto another object, it becomes a solid sub-atomic particle that forms a new reality. 

As we explore the “love” reality we call the Relation-Ship, our investigation has discovered that the amount of energy required to power this vessel is enormous.  The Ship’s code of discipline exercises a heavy hand in its attempt to mold its shipmates into a singular, compliant unit.  After all, individuality could foreshadow a mutiny, and must therefore be labeled as too dangerous.  In our innocent enthusiasm to meet the Ship’s needs, to “save it”, we begin to attach to a very specific agenda. “You must keep your partner happy”, is the tune that settles into our bones. As soon as a Ship sails into our life, a hierarchy of needs begins to establish itself. The Ship comes first, along with the beloved’s needs, which are enmeshed with those of the Ship. Permission to attend to ourselves is last on the agenda. 

As we ponder over this relational hierarchy, might we recognize an interesting possibility? Are we perhaps conditioned to not take care of our needs on the Ship, because if we were to do so, we wouldn’t need to create a Ship? The notion that The Ship needs to support us is a common assumption. Is this term “supported” not another slippery agent used in the social mind’s love vocabulary? What is the intent of this word?  Doesn’t it presuppose we would otherwise feel weak, or that we are in need of being held up by another?

When we keep an awareness of the lies in our life, created by external focus, it is a natural progression to examine this potent social tyrant.  Let's look through the lens of a viewpoint that the social mind  would most likely consider treason. Could the social mind be holding us captive to all its institutions, including the Ship, to insure that we remain its power supply and continue  to fuel it?  If we entertain this viewpoint, an interesting question may arise. What has made us such an easy target?  Isn’t it our habitual external focus?

Perhaps such an external focus can easily gravitate to the creation of Relation-Ships out of a refusal to take responsibility for making ourselves feel safe, cared for and loved – out of a refusal to pay attention to our own well-being.  Have we invented these Ships to continue directing our attention to something external? Is this a huge distraction that establishes yet another social institution, one that collaborates in hiding our essential wholeness from ourselves?

We seem to have placed the welfare of this abstraction – the Ship – before our own best interests.  Instead, we have opted to behave according to the assumptions and expectations that define life aboard a Relation-Ship.  Perhaps, as we continue to examine our participation, it might become conceivable that Ships are deliberately designed to prevent real intimacy.

For many of us, Relation-Ships will appear to offer liberation from a deep-seated fear and sense of unwholeness. And so, we will mistake their decks as salvation vessels. This seems to be the human experience in its unredeemed, unconscious, unaware, unenlightened state. 

But what would authentic, conscious, aware, enlightened connection look like? The fact that we are questioning the phenomena called the Ship is the root of our liberation from confinement to its hull. Let’s trust the energetic principle that observation of a phenomenon changes the phenomenon.

So, let’s continue to ask the questions. How might we extricate ourselves from this social institution’s pitiful, substitute intimacy? How might we move ourselves back into the very center of our own life equation and rhythm?

Addiction on the Ship

So many of us talk about the emotional roller coaster ride on the Relation-Ship. We often describe the "highs" and the "lows".That description might bring to mind the addictive nature of this Ship.  And as with any addiction, does focus on the Ship point to an unconscious refusal to face our sorrow and pain? And have we observed what happens when we can’t move through the pain?

Perhaps we can shed some light on the addictive dynamics, which appear to operate in this social mind model of love. It is absolutely understandable, that if we do not meet our own pain directly, we are then likely to attach to something or someone to cover the pain and insulate us from our suffering. And like every other addiction, there will come a time when the designated medication strategy fails to meet our needs and keep our wounds covered up. So, now the pain rises once more out of the depths.  This is the point at which we perceive our partner’s behavior to have changed. We conclude that he/she has failed to meet our needs.

Might we consider, that many feelings of lack, fear and pain, and much of our personal landscape of wounds, have been in storage, covered up by the Relation-Ship?  Now, these all burst out of the vessel’s hull and out onto the deck.  If we take a closer look at our own experience, we might observe some very interesting dynamics.  How often have we seen love literally turn into attack, or withholding, or the total withdrawal of affection and kindness?  This dynamic seems to be considered normal on the Ship. 

And the usual scrutiny now falls onto the structure of this Ship, instead of the individual souls that are trying desperately to cling to its deck. All attention is gathered to evaluate the angle of the sail, the quality of the rigging, the play in the steering wheel, etc. We get out our magnifying glass to inspect the responsible participation of the shipmates and the rules of relation-shipping. We entertain the strategy of finding a new shipmate. We are consumed with the status of our ship.

At this point, our “wounded one” may still unconsciously hope that attack or manipulation will be sufficient to coerce our partner into a change of behavior.  Think of all the effort expended in order to once more use the partner as a cover-up for our pain.

So, might we conclude that relationships do not cause unhappiness and pain, but rather bring out what is already there? And could this be the real treasure that lies at the core of the pain experienced with our partners? Could a conscious understanding of this transform relationship from its social-mind addiction form into its natural, organic possibility, to become a  genuine “path to wholeness”. As we let go of the fixation on the Relation-Ship, voluntarily turn our attention back on ourselves and begin to observe what we project onto our partners, addictive relating would have an opportunity to be exposed.

So far,  the normal  “relating” paradigm can only present a dance between positive/negative options. As long as we look through the lens of its linear perspective, we will probably conclude that elimination of the negative emotional cycle within the relationship is the only solution to our relational problems.  However, from our previous investigation of the shadow and its positive persona (see earlier blog postings), we are aware that these two poles are both aspects of the same dysfunction.  And the dysfunction results from identifying with either polar opposite:

                                            _                                                   +

                          pain _____________________medication strategy

                          shadow __________________positive persona

                          negative cycle ____________ positive cycle

Of course, during a negative cycle, dysfunction is much easier to identify.  The positive, or “in love” cycle, acts as the medication.  And notice that “In love” can act like any other drug. When the drug is available, we feel “high”. When it is absent, we feel anxious and unstable.

The social mind’s relating form adheres to the same linear thinking, only now it is the linear mind of a trapped “collective” identity, an institutional standard. However, as all the great traditions of heart intelligence teach us, true love has no opposite.  There is no polarity. It appears wherever there is a gap in the mind and the mind becomes still. In this stillness, past and future disappear and this vanishing point opens the gate of the heart.  Here, all imposed forms dissolve.

Let’s imagine that walking through this door of un-negotiated, un-objectified, unconditional love is possible for us all!

Negotiation and Compromise Aboard the Relation-Ship

According to the Relation-Ship model, there is a question that further delineates the structure of the Ship. And this question is:  Are you in a “committed” relationship?” Well, I have wondered what exactly are the qualifying components of a committed relationship? I found some clues to the answer in the social mind concepts around negotiating for time and attention.

I have learned much from my Beloved these last ten years about my own dance with two of society’s concepts called negotiation and compromise. I believe we could examine some interesting moves on board the Ship, if we observed some typical negotiating for unmonitored time between “committed” partners.

Let’s drop in on our couple Maria and Sidney. Imagine that both partners spend about eight hours a day at their jobs, leaving about six hours of possible open time. As we watch, we see the following scene unfolding:

·      Maria says, “ I think I’ll run out to pick up some copy paper for the fax machine before they close.”

·      Sidney replies, “ Sounds good!”

So far all is clear and no counter request has been made. Sidney did not redirect anything about the proposed errand. He did not make another suggestion of going later or of needing some fresh air and coming alone. Having successfully negotiated for about forty-five minutes of personal time, Maria now tries for more. 

·      Maria says, “ While I ‘m out, I’ll go by to see if our film is ready.  Then I might check on a pastry for tonight. Oh, and on the way home, I think I’ll stop in at the Fine Arts Museum and catch the new show.  I should be home by 8 or so.”

Now comes the verdict.  Has the time been won or is some compromise needed?  Negotiation of this sort can be risky for several reasons and requires finesse.  The chances that Maria will overreach the quota and create resistance in her partner increase with every activity that gets proposed. The longer the proposed time-length away and the more freedom from surveillance that is asked for, the more discomfort is likely to rise for Sidney.

Several questions may come up at this point for many of us.  Because the society’s love myth conditions us to feel that it is necessary for the welfare of the Ship to prevent a partner from taking too much freedom, would we continue to opt for patrol of the deck if allowed to experience a wild, refreshing dive overboard?  And, in the case of our couple, is Sidney likely to sabotage the plans in some covert way? 

One of these ways would be suggest joining Maria.  If this happens, negotiation for time will not be the only thing that fails here.  Every negotiation for time automatically becomes a secondary negotiation for attention. Maria would now also be faced with continuing to give attention externally, to Sidney. However, the hope was to direct attention internally to the self for a while.

The scenario is similar for a negotiation in which attention rights are primary.  Let’s say Sidney wants to meet a friend out for a play and dinner, and since the drive is a very long one, suggests spending the night as well. If Sidney gets a verdict of “ that’s fine”, notice how it can so easily fall into the category of magnanimously letting the partner go that night.

Now, consider the dynamic involved: If you “let” someone, there is an implication of ownership.

Negotiations for time and attention are often very subtle and apparently innocent or under the guise of "being considerate". They appear to be the rule between partners, not the exception. Until we can truthfully identify these subtle coercive shadows in our interactions, we could be falling asleep to the fact that we are, after all, holding and manipulating the sails of the Ship.

What seems paramount to the time and attention issue is the obvious external focus of the partners” interaction. Consider the concepts that we have already examined on the Ship. Can we notice that what actually makes up the form and content of the present relationship model rests on all the beliefs in ownership, scarcity of time, attention and love? Is the dance on the deck not founded on this belief system?

Adherence to this belief system regulates the verdict of “committed”.  Commitment is another concept that is deemed essential and positive on the Ship. We are conditioned to actually long for it. And since Relation-Ships, which are necessary for the social standard, are impossible without commitments, we have been well trained to desire them and believe they will ensure our safety.

This is but one more way we are conditioned to externalize responsibility for our happiness and well-being, and project it onto our partners. As these perceptions come into our conscious awareness, might we conclude that “ being true to someone else” can undermine the practice of "being true to the Self”?

Can we entertain our dive off this Ship? What might we experience, if we could be and do exactly what was natural and authentic in the moment, without sacrificing, without negotiating, without compromise? Could we really deceive or jeopardize another in this emotionally honest relationship with ourselves?

This would be a relational landscape without hidden motives or manipulation, without expectations, without assumptions, without dependence on another to feel safe, loved or joyful.

Let’s dream of a love that includes all, and possesses nothing.

 

 

Sex on the Relation-Ship

I have always been curious about the yardsticks for distinguishing the social mind’s repertoire of relationship possibilities. I feel somewhat driven to examine relationship through a specific lens, one that sees it as a “path for healing”. On this path, our partner is invited to consciously see us and be seen by us, to deliberately take our hand on this wild, wonderful ride, and realize the healing opportunity that the relationship offers us both. Taking a deeper look into all that limits our ability to show up as such a partner and recognize our partner as such really excites me.

When we hear a couple announce, “We are having a relationship”, there is an assumption that immediately rises: they are having sex.  Do we not assume the fact that they will soon run naked, back to each other’s embrace? So, could we not conclude that sexual intimacy actually launches the Relation-Ship?

In the society’s “love” model, this most basic element of the Ship’s structure, also points in the direction of rights of ownership. Sexual ownership appears to hold a trim sail on our relationship voyage, and any waning of sexual interest is felt as problematic or loss and becomes a great source of anxiety. Fear steps onto the decks of the Ship. For example, are we not conditioned to believe that failure to meet the partner’s sexual needs puts the Ship at risk?

Unraveling sexuality within our social paradigm is a monumental task. However, one small window of research found in Women’s Studies may offer a way through complicated theories and a starting point for investigating the concept of ownership that the social mind appears to hold.

From its volumes of research, Women’s’ Studies have examined human history to deliver the insight that control in every race, class and nation is gender based. Therefore, gender can be seen as one of the most important facts of every person’s life. It determines much of their daily experience. Since our genitals determine gender, the issues of sexuality, gender, and control are easily misunderstood. In this landscape of confusion, sexuality is rendered one of the most contaminated, compromised, and also hurtful aspects of our life.

When we acknowledge women in their role of  “generators of human life”, we must also consider the past and present social climate. We have to notice a history whose point of view necessitated control. We might even go further and recognize the attempt of social institutions to usurp this creative power.

If we look closely at the history, control of creative power was accomplished through the concept of ownership. We are at a time in our history where the ownership of people is unacceptable. Objects, however, are considered morally possible to possess.  Therefore, in order to own another, they must first be considered an object.  With this in mind, could it be concluded, that to the degree we insist on sexual fidelity (ownership), we must view another as object rather than simply themselves?

The social mind  focuses on a particular polarity: “monogamy verses non-monogamy”. This is a potent yardstick for what is considered a “good” relationship. The society demands that a choice be made in these terms.

Frankly, I am always quite suspicious when life rules are set up in  such dualistic terms. Observation convinces me that there is usually at least one other way (a third way), and perhaps many other ways, to intimately connect with people that have nothing to do with this yardstick.

From my experience with the “Linear Model of Life” (see previous posting), when we set up yet another polarity with its  right/wrong label,  we seem to again be ready to fall into the clutches of the ego’s linear dance. And let’s remember that the ego has no attention of its own. It can only scramble between two opposite poles. It is held captive in a world of duality. The only exit proved to be a “third attention”, one that observes the two poles but identifies with neither. 

Please do not conclude that I am  against fidelity. I am only  recommending that we  notice the dynamics and the intention of the social mind.  And if we look closely, we will notice that our social institutions feverishly encourage us to adhere to this form of control over each other. The results for the social mind are fascinating. To the degree that each of our personal lives is centered around keeping someone else controlled, the system can focus its attention and energy on institutional oppression and distract us from the truly revolutionary questions:

·      How can we associate intimately with each other and be totally free, without compromise and negotiation?

·      What is true intimacy and how can we generate it?

·      What is the connection between freedom and power?

·      How can we honor our need for touching, companionship, and comfort without being  responsible for meeting anyone else’s needs?

·      What would love look like in a landscape of freedom?

Is the organic desire to be exclusive with our Beloved not a matter of the Heart? Could we consider it a natural bi-product of love’s beautiful mystery? Can we really entrust this mystery into the hands of the social mind’s Relation-Ship form?

Perhaps we might be inspired to look to the horizon, beyond the decks of the Ship, and ponder what a refreshing dive overboard might generate for our precious, relational selves.

Relationship - The Layers of Indoctrination

I try to keep this life principle from the Tao as a refuge:  anything you can hold on to, you can also lose. Nothing remains the same. We are a part of this dance of emptiness and form. This profound truth also comes to sit with us in the midst of our togetherness.  In looking closely at relationships, if we follow the wisdom of the Tao, perhaps keeping the space as empty as possible offers a key for the most intimate connectedness between us.  In all of the theories about this subject, are we not searching to find the most skillful way to stay in the dance, to be fluid together?

Sometimes we become willing to shine the light on our denied, disowned, and lost shadow selves, to empty these out so that our true essence can pour into the space. With the same willingness we can also illuminate all our preconceived ideas, beliefs, emotional expectations and assumptions, all of the shadow forms of relationship. This could offer us a very different vision of our union with another.

If relationship, for you, is filled with so many rules, so many voices of should and should not, do and don’t, then the canvas for intimacy is already limited. If, however, relationship is ever changing, free flowing, dynamic with the vital force of presence, then the result is a spacious potential that can evolve with its own vital spirit.

This is the  “play” ground of relationship that is magical.  But how does the social mind relationship model measure up to this? Let’s trim our sails and set out again to explore deeper into the experience of sailing on the SM Relation-Ship. Let’s get very clear about how our Ship navigates these seas. What are the belief riggings that protect our insecurities, as we skim the waves? What kind of life rafts do we insist are necessary for the survival of this Ship?

No doubt the years of structured rules about relation-shipping can give us a sense of guidance, however, “living to conserve the rules” is a far cry “living to liberate the spirit”. And in order to discern between these two relationship experiences, we have to examine our own indoctrination.

As we move into the heart of this inquiry, simply begin to notice where your attention is when you ponder about relationship in your life.

* Is it on a need to hold on to things or someone?

* Is it on building some structure to insulate the sense of uncertainty?

* Is the Relation-Ship form a part of this security structure? (see previous postings on this subject: Sailing on the Relation-Ship & Heartbreak on the Relation-Ship)

* Is your attention on monitoring your partner?

Human interaction, layered with all its fears, anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, judgment and manipulation, is viewed by the social mind as normal. When these "normal" reactions become extreme, the psychological community applies labels such as borderline personality, paranoia, disassociation, psychosis, and obsessive-compulsive disorders. However, this "normal reactive behavior" is the creation of a very sophisticated mind and its protection system.

In this complex denial we begin with our own self-deception, lie to ourselves and then to each other. This necessitates the stories and belief systems that justify the deception played out by the multiple characters we create to defend and protect our wounded Shadow. All of these reactive responses are strategies designed to soothe our pain. In this consuming effort of denial we create a personal mythology of Imaginary Identities or Characters. These Imaginary Identities begin to weave the tales that uphold our false self.  A whole limited inner landscape emerges, as well as the outer landscape we now call reality. And the society’s mind is created by the collective consciousness of all the Imaginary Identities that operate within it.  An entangled mythology develops.

This vast collective ego-consciousness dictates the rules of our society. It also projects its expectations. The dynamics of projection, which are involved in the social mind, are exactly the same as those that apply to us as individuals. The external focus of attention creates the story that locks the gateway to the heart and obstructs access to Who We Really Are. We stand locked out of our organic garden, the garden of radiant love and light.

So, how is the social mind involved in the capture of our attention and the creation of Imaginary Identities?

The education of an Imaginary Character begins with behavior modification.  It is accomplished by the same methods as any organized propaganda program and follows the same rules of indoctrination: repetition, punishment and reward.  This happens in our homes, our schools, our churches and finally within our own minds.  The path is always one of fear in which love gets shut out, awareness closes, and stillness disappears. 

Consider the following steps; Are these not the consistent progression we experience in our educational systems and all of our institutions?

·      The fear of punishment

·      Followed by the fear of no reward

·      Thus, the fear of rejection arises

·      In turn leads to the concept of being somehow deficient or incapable

·      Now, a need steps forward, the need to be accepted

·      Suddenly, other people's opinions are more important than our own opinions

·      The creation of the Image is now complete

·       

We are educated into pretending to be Who We Are Not. 

The Imaginary Identity crystallizes. The landscape of beliefs and strategies goes to work to protect our experience of unwholeness.  Do we not habitually medicate this sense of unwholeness with the acquisition of emotional support, recognition and acceptance by others in the external world? In this external world, do the social mind programs that have all been developed by countless Imaginary Characters and their institutions not seduce us?

We have programs that tell us to be famous, be powerful, be rich, be gorgeous, be a winner, be productive and perform well.  This becomes the personal landscape, which we believe is real.  However, this landscape is out of touch with reality. Isn’t it fascinating that our definition of insanity is "being out of touch with reality"?

These are the programs that are “hijack our attention”, draining the life energy out of our circuit.  They are passed on from one generation to the next, like a debilitating print on the genetic memory

Once our attention is caught we have no more power of our own.  We disappear under the repetition, and are tamed by punishment and reward.  The need for acceptance and the fear of rejection are now our primary experience.  The opinion of others is the focus.  Image ripens like collective fruit on a tree.   The Imaginary Identity takes over to accommodate the expectations of others in our life.

Relationships multiply all these dynamics.  Not only do we struggle with our own Image, we now interact with the Image we have of our partner, often trying to persuade or manipulate him/her into our expected costume. Our own layers of indoctrination and that of the social mind have constructed an enormously slippery deck. 

To keep the Ship well tended, that is, to preserve it, becomes the primary focus of our attention and interaction. The dynamic result is a tremendous accumulation of energy; this vital energy now charges the sailing vessel. We have become generators for the Ship instead of our own being.

Cracking the complex puzzle of relationships requires an examination through many layers of complex design.  

As we look closely, might we see that we imprison one another in multiple cages in the name of love? Let’s examine how we negotiate for time, attention, and sex. We might become shockingly aware of the ownership model we participate in on the Ship.

Stay tuned for a peek into the complex sailing maneuver we call “negotiating on board the Ship”.

The Social Mind's Love Myth

Well, I am back with my pet subject, relationships. My first venture on the desks of the Relation-Ship was titled "Sailing on the Relation-Ship" (2009).

Over the years of observing “relation-shipping issues, I have noticed a consistent social mind content, created through countless expectations and assumptions. I gathered a long list of these from my own mishaps and those of friends and clients as we sailed into the storm called, “ If you truly loved me, you would...”.

Here are a few of the most common add ons to this repeating theme of "if you really loved me, you would": need me; agree with me; want to share most of your time with me; meet my emotional needs; put me first in your life; ask my advice; try harder to please me; want what I want; share your money with me; have sex with me when I want to; do anything to save the relationship; marry me.

This appears to be the agreed upon Relationship Belief System. In this system, the focus of attention falls on our partner, monitoring the level of adherence to the love-model, based on these expectations and assumptions. Can we notice how our attention is so clearly external in this system? The more we look at this Relationship Belief System, the more unavoidable the conclusion is that it functions as an archetype of control programs within the Social Mind.

Let’ s consider that there are few subjects on which we can find such a barrage of persuasive marketing propaganda. We are bombarded with millions of ads, books, lyrics, films, and photos in which the basic assumption for happiness, safety, and success in our lives is portrayed as the “two-by-two” model.

Here is what is so confusing and suspicious to me: Why is it so important for the Social Mind to convert us to its religion of love? Why has it continued to crank out its love-doctrines for centuries? Is it really necessary to convince us of something that it claims is so organic to our nature? Does it make any sense at all to create a massive intervention in our behalf and devote such effort, time and resource, to something that it claims is natural to us?

Might this all point in a very different direction, one that unveils this relationship behavior as “programmed” behavior? Does it suggest that the Social Mind Relation-Ship patrol must perpetuate its marketing campaign, because it is so contrary to anything we would pursue in our natural, uncontaminated state?

As I consider the content and form of what has become the society’s Relation-Ship Institution, I am convinced that relationship failure has much to do with the model, and perhaps much less with the current assumptions suggested by the psychological community.

If we each pondered our untamed, powerful selves, what might we find after stripping off the layers Relation-Ship conditioning? Would we stop negotiating our love life and surrender the ownership model that dominates our heart?

I am surely suggesting mutiny. Let's take a closer look in the weeks to come and imagine how we might catch a new wind in our sail.

Anke's Blogging Re-Entry

How do you re-enter blogging after months on sabbatical? And do I need to address why I stopped? Well, briefly, I felt a need to empty out, to move into another "relationship" with this concept called blogging. It was actually my final blog entry last year that was my own undoing.

I had focused on the social mind's "love myth" and our suffering on board the Relation-Ship. As I examined the rules of relationship, our participation in this program, and the annihilation of any real intimacy within it, I began to ponder my relationship with other life arenas. That eventually brought me to my "affair" with writing and a close look at commitment, time, and the rules of blogging.

Last year I was told, by someone in the blogging world that I had to post at least twice a week or I might as well forget it. What I noticed initially was an acceptance of this rule; after all, this was someone who knew, a successful expert in blogging. But this was not the kind of acceptance that comes from an alignment with something. After a few days a fog drifted in and just hung in the air. It ushered in confusion and discouragement. I kept returning to this twice a week rule, aware of the resistance building. The feeling seemed familiar.

And then it dawned. Was this not another Ship? A Blog-Ship instead of a romantic Relation-Ship.
Here we go again, another Ship with rules on its decks, assumptions and expectations to meet, in order to be a good blogger this time.

It is truly amazing how quickly we are hijacked by a concept, by what is considered the golden standard. We ignore, diminish, doubt and manipulate our own natural rhythms.

So, as I reacted with resistance to this golden rule, my rebel emerged. We have all observed this familiar character and its agenda. Its movement is predictable, as it digs in its heels and defends. It takes the lead and reduces our life to one of imitation instead of presence and authenticity.

Its justifications are so rational. Certainly, this character could not imagine conforming to any particular expectations about a writing schedule. How would that fit with the premise of the blog and its original vision, "alive, awake and free”? Where is the inspiration in that?

Of course, in the midst of this story, her myopic eyes could only see some infringement on her independence. These are the types of conclusions that might be drawn from this rebel- identity’s "mind intelligence". You see, this character is conditioned to experience a need for self-protection and self- promotion.

Well, I was almost caught by this mind’s story. But, on closer scrutiny, as this character stepped out of the shadows of mental justifications and into the light of the heart's longing to share, to serve, to create community and encourage radical personal honesty in herself and others, this common mind attention to self-concern began to dissolve.

I began to notice that this identity had, in fact, hijacked the one who loves to write, loves to share, loves to initiate dialogue, and loves to question beliefs. And most important, I began to allow this identity, this rebel, to become the way home. Her resistance and confusion about the heart's natural awareness of interdependence became the fuel to a more natural wisdom. I sat in the discomfort this rebel experiences. I did not seek an alternative to the discomfort. I was willing to simply burn in it.

What began to emerge in this sitting was an awareness that writing the blog had not yet cut down into my bones. I discovered the immaturity in this relationship with blogging, and had to recognize an element of blogging holds on to the notion that it is "all about me". How else would we miss the heart’s impulse to connect and serve as the primary consideration?

I will simply trust that the heart will know when it has something to share and will blog away, without being derailed by the rules.

Heartbreak on the Relation-Ship

Have you noticed that human beings seem to learn more in one minute of happiness than they learn in weeks of misery? The moment the suffering lightens, an actual access to a creative insight opens up. At a certain point in my journey I began to suspect that the social mind had trained us to accept oppression. We have adjusted to statements like, “life is hard”, “ you have to compromise”, or “you need to negotiate for what you want”. This language becomes “normal” and this is the same language we impose on relationships. The common belief seems to be that relationships are hard and require compromise and negotiation.

I also noticed that when we attached to popular beliefs about the necessity of rules on board the RS to protect us from relationship suffering, it eliminated the possibility of actually investigating the origins of this suffering.


As I kept probing into the inner workings of my own beliefs about relationships, and asked others to share their experiences, I noticed the stirrings of strong discomfort. My thinking appeared to be heading down the road toward some kind of conclusion about punishment and loss for questioning the social mind’s love story. Significant anxiety raised its head along the way, as I began to dig into the deeper layers of our whole relationship conditioning. I took a deep breath and dove in.

I had to begin with some radical honesty about the beliefs that were the foundation for my relational life. I noticed my tendency to adapt to disappointments and limitations over time. I became aware of the habit of pretending not to see the many layers of self-imposed revisions, for “the sake of the relationship”. I noticed an interesting sequence of behavior that shut down the intimacy I so longed for. As I kept coming back to real honesty about my relational life, I became aware of a natural order to the experience of intimacy with myself and another human being.

Standing still long enough to observe my heart breaking, without adding any opinion, self-judgment, blame, solution, or rationalization, I stopped sliding around on the deck of the RS. I stopped attending to its needs, stopped obsessing about how to meet its overwhelming number of rules, according to the social mind relationship patrol. I took my attention off the RS and back onto me. I wanted freedom.

What became apparent was that freedom from the RR rule was the ground of real honesty, and honesty was necessary for integrity with myself first and then my partner. And this integrity gave birth to an inner personal power, which became creative connecting, and real intimacy. From this viewpoint, I concluded that real connection and intimacy would arise from choices made out of clear vision, not obstructed by the rules. Intimacy would arise out of a person’s pure desire and commitment to their own joy, their own integrity, and the freedom to be who they really are. Perhaps in this landscape, I could finally stand authentic and free.

What could happen to our relational experiences, if we looked in our partner’s eyes naked, with no reference to the rules of how to sail the seas on the RS? Would we be free from the usual chaos onboard the RS? Could we finally touch genuine connection?

I became very curious about how the rules actually produce the chaos? The question took me back to the social mind’s viewpoint about suffering and the root belief that chaos is our nature and needs to be “monitored” by a set of rules. This root belief expands into a whole underground system that holds our life in the grip of assuming that pain, anxiety, fear, worry in our life is inevitable and we need to be protected from it.

On close examination we might notice that chaos is actually the result of living a lie. We could question whether or not this lie is perhaps another innocent misunderstanding, which erodes our essential friendship with each other and ourselves. Or, we may begin to suspect a deeper agenda and question the social mind’s intention for convincing us about the validity of a required behavioral code on the RS.

Please stay tuned.

Sailing on the Relation-Ship

When my family immigrated to the United States, we ended up on the Gulf of Mexico, and I ended up as my father’s sailing buddy on our 34-foot boat. My mother, who was an accomplished sailor, refused to sail with my father. She had determined that he was a terrible sailor and so I was elected to be the shipmate. It was during my teenage years that I first began to notice how similar sailboats, or any kind of ship, were to relationships.

We seem to scramble around, polishing the deck of a “Relation-Ship”. We try to find our sea-legs in the midst of the overwhelming number of duties that arise to keep this ship afloat. We gaze out into the fog of countless rules and regulations governing this ship. We pledge allegiance to the belief that there are sacrifices which must be made for the good of the Relation-Ship.

The social mind yardstick called “the couple” measures the success of our sailing vessel. This “couple” now tries to communicate and intimately connect with their minds focused on this Relation-Ship structure. The ship has sailed into the harbor of our hearts and now floats between us as we try to live our love. The ship’s survival needs become our daily chore.

Our natural horizons begin to change as we become compliant about the ship’s endless demands. These demands become the captain of our vessel and often leave us compromised and negotiated. We cease being individuals and become instead the singular entity called ‘ a couple”.

What we really want and what we truly feel gets tossed overboard. How to keep the ship safe and happy becomes the primary focus. It drops onto the deck like a morning fog. The vibrant energy in our heart sinks beneath the rolling waves as our ship sets out to sea.

The therapeutic community points to numerous reasons for relationship failure. They conclude that we are co-dependent, wounded by incest, afraid of intimacy, programmed by our dysfunctional family patterns, or addicted. There is no doubt that these problems make the Relation-Ship very difficult to steer. However, little attention has been given to the social mind structure that insists we live our relational lives according to its prescribed form. Perhaps we could expand our inquiry into an area that might offer a welcome wind and set our sails for unknown territory. Might such an investigation produce a warm breeze on the deck, one that offers new energy to our intimate lives?

Let’s see what happens to our Relation-Ships as we sail out on the waves with curiosity about the exact nature of this social institution we call a relationship. Perhaps we will find that relationships are profoundly influenced by the social mind form that has been deliberately imposed on our loving, open hearts.

Society’s relationship agenda and our own collaboration with one of its most protected institutions has become a favorite exploration. Please join me for the next few sailing trips on board the RS.

The Heart and Change

I enjoy thinking of the human experience in musical terms. It seems to offer a language that goes beyond the usual descriptions and concepts that much of our therapeutic community holds. We had looked into the indoctrination process that unfolds during our developmental years (see the story of Amy in "Journey to the Well" in earlier posts) and wondered what possible escape route from the limited “lower octaves” might present itself. What happens when we stand at the door of the “higher octaves” of our being?

Let’s imagine ourselves as a fine musical instrument. At this point in our life we decide to put it in the hands of a competent, talented musician. The key to our artist’s fine performance on this amazing human instrument lies in executing a resonance that allows the heart to vibrate and increase its magnetic field. Since the heart is the gate to the “higher octave”, the whole creative vision now focuses to produce a tone that unlocks the door to the energetic heart. As it develops a richer, deeper, tone, the entire quality of this human instrument begins to change.

Contrary to social opinion, it is the heart, not the mind, that provides us with the avenue to become fully human. It is heart intelligence that produces a sound beyond the objective intellect and entrains the mind. Heart intelligence is a multi-layered composition that reveals itself when we enter more and more fully into its space. This space, or the lack of it, is the foundation that governs our entire relational life. Navigating this heart space is nothing less than a divine science. It is the alchemist that gathers and refines the debris of all our wounding experiences. This heart-alchemist transmutes the pain into expressions of love and wisdom. Within its fires our meticulously fabricated defense strategies give way to our true passion and creativity.

Perhaps this is the relationship that can re-parent and re-define our early developmental imbalance. Perhaps here, heart engages the mind to re-think, or perhaps “un-think”, and generate re-conciliation in our life.

How do we decrease our resistance and expand our ability to say, “ yes “ to this heart? How do we practice to develop our most beautiful sound? How can we keep bringing the attention back to this energetic heart and building up its magnetic field? What divine sounds will resonate from its open door?

I invite you to explore these sounds with me as we look deeper into the mystery of becoming fully human in the next postings.

Our Attempt to Change

Today, a friend sent me a beautiful quote, “life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it is about learning to dance in the rain". I sat with this simple, yet profound wisdom for a while. For me, sitting is different than thinking; it is more like curiosity and waiting. I find that it usually opens into landscapes that I could not reason my way into. I could feel the texture of “learning to dance in the rain”, not the concept, and a deep appreciation for life with all its expressions began to rise.

Then a pivotal question, perhaps for all of us, who are considering change, arrived. This question holds the foundational nature and principle of our spiritual investigations. It examines our motivation for change and the integrity we bring to the change process. Here is the question: What is the actual reason we attempt to change?

So, what happens when we observe that a thought, word, or action no longer represents an accurate picture of who we are? . The awareness that something is no longer congruent with who we are now is an open armed invitation for change. However, what happens if we seek change because we evaluate something as “wrong”? What happens to awareness in the presence of such opinion and judgment? Do we not re-enter the wheel of suffering when we look in the direction of the mind’s preoccupation with endless evaluation?

When I look back at change in my own life, it does not seem to arrive on the battlefield. The instances in which I have labeled myself as “wrong, deficient, incapable, unworthy, or unlovable never became fertile ground for change. It was the moments when the heart opened once more with compassion for creating such pain in my life, that the energy and inspiration for a new direction appeared.

I have concluded that the only reason we can step into change is the heart’s longing to remember who we are. It is the split second reflection of our true face that gives us the courage to reach into our deepest inner resources.


It is here that we recognize our innocent mistake, the belief that an aggressive stance with ourselves has valuable. It furthers the war and establishes us as perpetrators within our own being. If we consider that we are always in the process of creating, anytime our “creation” is labeled “bad”, we become “bad creators”. This experience being a bad creator is so painful, that we prefer to disown our “bad creations” rather than meet the pain directly. This act of disowning our creation traps the energy and arrests any change. It takes tremendous energy to keep the pain of being a bad creator suppressed.

In the greater picture, all that we have labeled as “wrong” will become our stories about victims and villains. I invite you to consider a very subtle trap: Could it simply be that choosing the difficult/bad experience is not the actual mistake, but rather labeling the choice as wrong/bad is. Could we just notice that this creation is no longer congruent with who we are now. Feeling this subtle difference requires impeccable attention.

Could we cultivate a new way of relating to ourselves, not through a punishing hand, but through a gradual change from fighting to feeding?

May we be transformed through the deepest nurture and self-care.

Imitation Security

Throughout my years of research in the field of consciousness, I come back to the question of what constitutes the stability of our inner foundation. If we consider all the obstacles that our friend Amy encountered in her early developmental stages (previous postings titled “Journey to the Well”), we may wonder how any foundation could find a solid ground in the environment of the social mind.

Every spiritual tradition offers some type of architecture for our inner landscape with which to point the way. The models include such frameworks as the American Indian’s use of the Four Directions, the Buddhist Mandala, the Sufis’ Dimensions of the Heart, and the Kabbahlistic Tree of Life.

All of these architectures ask us to discover the source of our security, guidance, wisdom and power. Each tradition approaches these qualities in a unique way. Nevertheless we can speak in some general terms. Guidance refers to the source of direction for our life, the internal frame of reference (perception) that governs decision-making. Wisdom describes an integration of principles that allow wholeness to be the organizing axiom of our life. Power refers to the capacity to act. It is the vital energy of choice, which includes the ability to move beyond deeply embedded habits.

In all these systems, security takes the position of the cornerstone of the foundation. It seems to refer to the origin of identity and to the emotional anchor it creates in our experience. As we become more aware of the agenda of the social mind and our participation in its beliefs and institutions, we notice how a false identity has solidified itself, one that places much of its trust in the external world for its security. Such an identity’s relationship with the world is utterly dependent on external circumstances for its sense of security. It cannot be used as a stable cornerstone.

If we consider the purpose of any spiritual architecture, we can see that it functions as a kind of map. Within these maps, both our distortion and wisdom reveals itself. The maps' purpose is to cultivate a new way of relating to life, not through the force of will, but organically, through a gradual expanding awareness of our distortions. The repeating patterns of our fear, impatience, anger, doubt, and loneliness reveal themselves. Our habit of projected opinions or justifications to medicate these uncomfortable feelings and to avoid any direct encounter with them becomes apparent.


This combination of disowned feeling and projection has created core themes, stories that have familiar melodies. And yet, it is in the “conscious” present moment of these repeating top tunes that we can dissolve the patterns of all our imaginary identities and their fixations. What presents the possibility for change is a conscious awareness of these tunes. When we notice that a particular tune is currently playing, that awareness unveils Who We Really Are. In that moment of observation, that melody transforms itself from a jailer to a liberator. if we have no opinion, no label, about what we observed, that becomes a moment of freedom.

Can we consider that our current experience in the world is very similar to our own inner landscape? We can appreciate that the death of limiting false identity liberates that which is the flower of our human consciousness. Might we also open our arms to a more authentic worldview and see what is happening through the eyes of opportunity? Would we see expanded possibilities in the collapse of the structures that offered us only imitation security?

Is security that arises from the ground of Who We Really Are, individually and collectively, not our deepest refuge? Is it not the only candidate whose guidance, wisdom and power can navigate our amazing life and that of our planet with a sacred hand?

Journey to the Well: Final Thoughts

The story of Amy’s developmental stages in several previous posts called “Journey to the Well” has perhaps shed some light into the harsh landscape of our conditioning. As I ponder the nature and purpose of the social mind programs, which operate to modify the lens we look through at life, I am astonished at the magnitude of their reach into all aspects of our experience.
Just like Amy, had I continued to seek refuge in the social mind agendas, I would have come to a dry well. The thirst for a vibrant life would still burn in my heart.

How honest can we be about the social mind fears that take authority over our lives? Do we even consider that each fear harnesses a percentage of vital life force from our energetic circuit? Are we aware enough to notice when we have hooked into the program, and when limited energetic integrity is actually left for our own use?

If so little energy is left, how do we access guidance about what life brings us? Will we be able to access the intuitive voice that lets us know the appropriate time to move our family, exit a relationship, end a job, begin a new career, risk a new direction or a new friendship, if we run this intuitive energy through the entire social mind fear agenda? Can we illuminate the dark shadow created by the consuming chatter from the fear agenda and touch our natural trust. The shadow is precisely what we have repeatedly hooked into and empowered.

Often, we end up ignoring the ringing internal guidance and postpone our natural alignment with life. Now the pressure from the ignored guidance builds up. Each ignored intuition adds to our system’s fire. The result of this refusal to attend to what guidance points us toward, will literally railroad us through the feared hardships in order to complete an act of surrender. Life will force us to our knees in a sheer act of love. It will drag us from resistance to receptivity. Can we see these experiences as “love coming back for us”? Can we recognize these experiences as water from the well ?

As life faithfully creates an environment that invites awareness about resistance, it frees up the external focus in our life. It offers many opportunities to retrieve the disowned, lost and denied fragments. Our awareness becomes “soul retrieval” work. We become our own shaman.

Let’s consider that we have participated in fueling the social mind programs instead of our own life. We can do so without making ourselves wrong or feeling shame about this participation. We could observe this fact through the compassionate lens our evolutionary history. For thousands of years allegiance to the village or tribe was necessary for survival. It guaranteed our biological safety. This is deeply programmed into our genetics and continues to operate in our desire for assurances about the external world. With this in mind, are the institutions that offer such things as insurances, savings accounts, contracts, and safety rules, not operating with the same survival-safety agendas? Are they not hooked into physical outcome in the external world? Can we notice that this "savior-ship" model may no longer be congruent with who we are becoming?

Dare I extend these observations to our religious institutions? I am not speaking about the enlightened beings that walked the earth. I am referring to the doctrines that arose around these enlightened souls and became enslavers of our own internal guidance? Did the original message become absorbed by a group mind that institutionalized our spiritual lives? Has this mechanism entombed the” living” spiritual truths of our blessed prophets into dead doctrines? Where is the living water?

To disengage from all these programs and beliefs would shift the power from the village back to our precious lives. Responsibility could be handed back to us as individuals. And as the social mind viewpoint about how life works comes into question, we can stop blaming the village. We can quench the thirst and drink from our own well.

Journey to the Well: Part Three

In the last few postings of "Journey to the Well", we have followed our precious Amy and witnessed her precarious first two developmental stages unfold (postings 3/29, 4/3 and 4/29). In the final phase of Amy’s story we watch the development of her intellect, personal values and attitudes. This third stage acts as her ego’s powerhouse and governs her thoughts. Here, she may develop the will to reveal the truth. Here, also, she may develop the automatic response to retreat from truth through her defense strategies.

By the time she arrives at this level of consciousness, she has already been deeply impacted, perhaps wounded, at levels one and two. At this next level, she could solidify an image or identity and experience a limiting, fixed sense of self. As this false self continues the dance, Amy could spin further and further from the core of her true nature. Now the dance-steps take on a more dramatic texture, solid features and routines.

The energy of this third stage is intended for the development of Amy’s personal integrity, an honor code with herself. The boundaries, the ethics of what she will actually negotiate or where she will draw the line, spring from here. Her self-respect, self- trust and her confidence for acting with personal power in the world originate here in her solar plexus, which is the energetic source of this third stage. What will happen to her intuition and inner guidance if her eyes stay fixed on Mr. SM?
Will she channel her intuitive voice out of her own being for use by Mr. SM’s safety/comfort paradigm?


Addictions to external status symbols, the need to categorize, materialism, and performance anxiety could all erupt from here. Will Amy become confused or will she begin to question who she really is and how she can connect to others authentically?
This is the point where Amy can buy into what the social mind has decides is the correct, attractive image. This is the stage at which she can be totally absorbed and subjugate her personal guidance to the social mind standard. Allegiance to its fears could become Amy’s lot. Fears about being alone, about failure, about being wrong and criticized, about being abandoned, being worthless, unwanted and unloved can haunt her. Fears about being rejected and punished, and beliefs about overwhelming loss could become the anxious undercurrent of her precious life.

The society’s demand for obedience to its institutions, structures and forms can appear so real, that Amy may fall into the habit of pleasing others instead of herself. We wonder if she will compromise her personal honor code. Will she become trapped by a lack of self–awareness, siphon off her internal energy and be pulled into the external world? Will she allow other people and situations to become energetically charged by the attention she projects out toward them? Will we see her create an imitation reality that cuts her off from what is actually real?

We hold our breath and pray that Amy’s life remains her own. We plead with her to not become compelled, to not attach to stories that make gods out of a world obsessed by power, dominance, and separatism. We beg Amy to not allow society’s success symbols to become the addictions that medicate the pain of a fragmented life-dance.

Dearest Amy, please do not dedicate your life force to fuel who you are not. See through the hypnotic dance rhythm of your partner, Mr. Social Mind, and keep just the lightest touch on his arm. Break free of his embrace and leap into your own masterful steps. Take refuge in your heart’s intelligence and let it lead you into the mystery, the unknown territory that is so vibrantly alive.

May this small window into Amy's story activate the deepest compassion and understanding for all our conditioning and the suffering it brings. May it offer more awareness to the tight rope we walk as long as we remain invested in the social mind fears. May we recognize how we will attract the mirror image of these fears to our life in the form of relationships and events that prove them true. And may we remember that in this human experience we would so often rather be “right” than “happy”.