Welcome to An Inner Walk-About

There is an inner landscape that sounds the wild call for stillness. It is both empty and cognizant at the same time. We may fall into its desert and become lost. Here, we may disappear, dissolve, die before we die. We are searching for a life, fully lived.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Anke's Blogging Re-Entry

How do you re-enter blogging after months on sabbatical? And do I need to address why I stopped? Well, briefly, I felt a need to empty out, to move into another "relationship" with this concept called blogging. It was actually my final blog entry last year that was my own undoing.

I had focused on the social mind's "love myth" and our suffering on board the Relation-Ship. As I examined the rules of relationship, our participation in this program, and the annihilation of any real intimacy within it, I began to ponder my relationship with other life arenas. That eventually brought me to my "affair" with writing and a close look at commitment, time, and the rules of blogging.

Last year I was told, by someone in the blogging world that I had to post at least twice a week or I might as well forget it. What I noticed initially was an acceptance of this rule; after all, this was someone who knew, a successful expert in blogging. But this was not the kind of acceptance that comes from an alignment with something. After a few days a fog drifted in and just hung in the air. It ushered in confusion and discouragement. I kept returning to this twice a week rule, aware of the resistance building. The feeling seemed familiar.

And then it dawned. Was this not another Ship? A Blog-Ship instead of a romantic Relation-Ship.
Here we go again, another Ship with rules on its decks, assumptions and expectations to meet, in order to be a good blogger this time.

It is truly amazing how quickly we are hijacked by a concept, by what is considered the golden standard. We ignore, diminish, doubt and manipulate our own natural rhythms.

So, as I reacted with resistance to this golden rule, my rebel emerged. We have all observed this familiar character and its agenda. Its movement is predictable, as it digs in its heels and defends. It takes the lead and reduces our life to one of imitation instead of presence and authenticity.

Its justifications are so rational. Certainly, this character could not imagine conforming to any particular expectations about a writing schedule. How would that fit with the premise of the blog and its original vision, "alive, awake and free”? Where is the inspiration in that?

Of course, in the midst of this story, her myopic eyes could only see some infringement on her independence. These are the types of conclusions that might be drawn from this rebel- identity’s "mind intelligence". You see, this character is conditioned to experience a need for self-protection and self- promotion.

Well, I was almost caught by this mind’s story. But, on closer scrutiny, as this character stepped out of the shadows of mental justifications and into the light of the heart's longing to share, to serve, to create community and encourage radical personal honesty in herself and others, this common mind attention to self-concern began to dissolve.

I began to notice that this identity had, in fact, hijacked the one who loves to write, loves to share, loves to initiate dialogue, and loves to question beliefs. And most important, I began to allow this identity, this rebel, to become the way home. Her resistance and confusion about the heart's natural awareness of interdependence became the fuel to a more natural wisdom. I sat in the discomfort this rebel experiences. I did not seek an alternative to the discomfort. I was willing to simply burn in it.

What began to emerge in this sitting was an awareness that writing the blog had not yet cut down into my bones. I discovered the immaturity in this relationship with blogging, and had to recognize an element of blogging holds on to the notion that it is "all about me". How else would we miss the heart’s impulse to connect and serve as the primary consideration?

I will simply trust that the heart will know when it has something to share and will blog away, without being derailed by the rules.